There was little girl about 7 years old, home alone. Awakened by her morning phone call, she found her uniform, she dressed herself for school, after eating some hodgepodge breakfast, she walked out the front door, down a block to the home of her ride to school.
It's a cold eastern winter, wearing her light spring coat she knocks, they impatiently answer the door and to tell her to wait outside. She waits. Alone.
Day after day that is her life. A lot of alone.
After school, walking up to her front door she finds the key on top of the mailbox. As is expected, no one is there. She makes her way in the house and sits and watches TV for hours.
In the evening, her father comes home. He has his evening's beer, two tall six pack. He is a kind man, but not a family man, mostly a beer and TV man.
No family meal, occasionally there is canned soup or a frozen dinner.
Finally, she makes her way to bed and waits for her mom to come home.
After working two jobs,
her mother comes in tired. Spent.
Lonely, the young girl learns to live,
she makes her own way in life.
Bouncing from one thing to another like the silver ball in the pinball machine she grows from year to year.
As God does, He brings good out of bad.
That little life was mine.
I had to learn on my own, I was lonely and alone.
His sanctification is not done without pain.
But, the jewels are worth the heat.
A mother's heart ...
 |
| Our sweet Kimberly |
Don and I had Kimberly.
So started the warming of my heart.
The memories of loneliness were being replaced with the love I had for the one that grew in my belly.
I was never to be alone again.
She was with me everyday, all day!
And it was pretty close to true too.
Not only did we have Kimberly but then there was our bundle of sunshine, Erin.
After a long stretch of time came our little guy, Benjamin. Lastly, like a gift from heaven came Elisa.
Years.
I have loved them every single day,
every minute of every day, for years.
Month after month my thoughts were my family.
As lonely as my young days were,
full and loved have been my family days.
Feeling my heart full of sweet tenderness,
I think about my children.
But now.
Our children are adults now.
My heart is scared.
My arms are wanting to hold my babies.
Where did they go?
Where did 4 of my 5 best friends go?
As I sit here and cry, feeling SO sorry for myself ...
I am so gratefully reminded by my God who loves my soul ... I am not alone.
I am coming full circle. I was that little girl, so alone and lonely, then I was nourished by the all consuming love for Don and my kids - but now, seeing the children reach adulthood, living apart from us, their bedrooms empty - it breaks my heart.
I want them right here with us, forever.
My dream would be for us to share 100 acres with our kids and grandkids. You think I'm kidding,
I have already dreamt about it.
I have it all organized in my mind.
But, we all know what the real deal is. You bear them, love them and day by day lead them to adulthood. The actual goal is to let them be arrows for the Lord to use. We are proud of the people they are. Happy for them as they are move into their own lives.
Going to the Shepherd of my soul ..
I take a deep breath - I will trust HIM.
I look at the empty bedrooms and the quiet evenings.
I will open my arms to HIM.
I am lonely for our children,
I wonder if I always will be.
Typing, I am listening to
I am lonely for our children,
I wonder if I always will be.
Typing, I am listening to
I will open my heart to HIM.
I will wait for HIM.
I will yell over top of all my emotions.
I will pray to HIM
and I will WAIT
for HIS peace,
feeling HIS presence.
Never alone again.
